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I’ve been living in New York City for 4 years.
I’ve been living in my new apartment for 6 months.
I am 27 years old and for the first time in my adult life I am single.
After years of being in a relationship, I made the choice to be alone.
What does it mean to truly start over?
In some cases, people move to a different city.
Some people take a year off and travel the world.
And some people, like myself, strike a match to a life they know well, and watch it go up in flames.
By my own doing, I had to take the opportunity to begin again by surrendering to a new flow of life.
The first few months of me living my brand new life felt like a dream.
Everyday was the first day of my new life.
Living my truth was foreign, but I knew I was on the right course.
Allowing myself to say yes to every invitation, date, take on new experiences that made me more of an empowered woman, I was becoming a NEW JACKIE.
Although I am grateful to have such a full social life, it has been my alone time where the healing began.
Alone time is the most beautiful opportunity we get to actually be still and find gratitude. I have always enjoyed my own company, however, when I was relearning and reconstructing my life, my alone time would bring anxiety and unrest. I didn’t know how to navigate my new emotions. I felt like a new person living a brand new life, where I had to get know myself all over again. This was where I realized the alone time I am getting in my new life needs to be used productively.
I found meditation and journaling were the best ways to be still with myself and my thoughts and feelings.
My alone time was having me face my internal insecurities that I had masked over the years. Everyone has emotional wounds, but in my new world, my emotional wounds weren't being covered up by a loving and comfortable relationship to come home to.
If you had asked me at any point where I saw my previous relationship going, I would have said “I don’t know”.
It was as if I was OKAY with “I don’t know.”
As if I KNEW it wasn’t the end all, and I didn’t need to know what happened next. I have been focused on my career my whole life, obsessed with NY, and working towards opportunities, that I didn’t want to feel settled by making big moves with any relationship.
So how come I was finding myself IN a settled relationship?
It was easier to live in the moment of love, and not dig deep into what I actually wanted out of my partner.
But why was I accepting something really good, when my intuitive desires were working towards ultimate greatness?
Never settle for anything less than your greatness.
We only have this one life. I knew I wanted more out of mine.
I knew I had worked to make the path I was on the best it could be, but it was not my calling.
KNOWING I wasn’t on my true path, was a lot scarier than taking the risk of destroying everything I had built in order to start over.
In order to accept the unknown and take control of my own life,
I struck that match.
Low and behold, three months later, I was finding myself in a whirlwind of emotions I couldn't get a handle on.
Feeling like I had a hit a wall in my career, and getting my ego shattered by falling in love, I started to lose control of my thoughts and feelings. It was as if a brand new set of fears set in and I allowed them to take me down.
I had to do some serious soul searching.
These new demons weren't new, they just had never been dealt with before.
The demons had been triggered, and I wasn't able to hide behind a loving man.
I was alone.
These demons grew and built up inside my stomach and my brain so badly, I didn't know who I was anymore.
Seeing the darkest side of yourself is terrifying.
How do I snap out of this? How come I couldn't let myself off the hook?
My own thoughts became my enemies.
In order to go through my transformation, I had to fully feel the fears, and go through the pain in order to reconstruct.
In order to get to work.
I needed to change my perception by changing the way I was thinking and feeling.
Through my darkness, I found help within myself.
I showed up for myself.
I took control of my loneliness, and dedicated myself to being still through meditation and listening more closely to my divine intuition.
It's a beautiful thing when you learn how to access your spiritual path and let go.
This work doesn't fix fears overnight, but the moment you can switch gears is when you open yourself up to the freedom.
Your freedom from your suffering.
So take responsibility for your happiness!
Through my pain I am able to breakthrough to a better version of myself.
I am here to say, with this work, it gets easier.
You are worthy of everything awesome because you are still around to see how it unfolds.
Through the changes I made, I may have made life difficult and dark, but I am getting to know a different kind of light as I am coming out on the other side.
Would love for you to share with me the ways you show yourself self-love and how you get in touch with your truth.
We are a work in progress.
Let that light in.